Brain Damage
by LegendaryArcanine42
Summary: Ash embarks on an adventure... And some other stuff happens, it's enough to make you question what you just ate... Crack-fic, Rated M for certain naughty words...
1. Vs Tepig

**Hi Guys! It's me Kenchi, and it has been ages since I did anything and I said that I would... Guess I involuntarily lied, huh? **

**Anywho, fuck that... I'm unleashing a new story that could be referred to as the new version of Espada Commercials! Only, there is only a very small hint at a plot, the rest of it is pure quality crack-fiction that is nowhere near it's finest!**

**Now then, it's time for a very long disclaimer...**

**Disclaimer: The following references both real and fake and/or fictional and non-fictional are not, by any means, an attempt at copyright infringement and are for entertainment purposes only... None of the following franchises, mentioned or adhered to are owned by me... In other words, shit happens...**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

><p><strong>Vs Tepig!<strong>

Ash: Alright, I'm gonna go on yet another adventure! I'll catch an almost identical pokemon team to the one I have last season, only with shiny, brand-new, pokemon that we've never heard of before, but act just like ones we've seen before!

Ash's Mom: …

Ash: (Jumping about happily) Later!

Ash's Mom: …

(Ash leaves)

Ash's Mom: … If I tell him to go play in traffic, something could run him over and maybe my headache would go away! But then he'd probably haunt me from beyond the grave or something...

(She sighs)

Ash's Mom: Back to cutting for me then...

(Insert Alternative Rock theme song here...)

Narrator: We join our heroes in-

Ash: Wahoo! Pokemon! Yeah!

Narrator: … Screw it, I don't get paid enough to do this...

(Ash spots a Pidgey)

Ash: Eh? That's not a Pidgey, that's a Pidove!

(Same crap...)

Ash: Go Master Ball!

(OMGWTFHAX!)

Pidove: (Ah heck no, I'm immune to gameshark, punk!)

(Pidove escapes the Master Ball)

Ash: …

(Wow, who fails with a Master Ball?)

Ash: Shut up, I hate you, 4kids powers activate!

(You're on Pokemon USA now, noob...)

Ash: Awww, crap...

(Ash spots an injured Tepig)

Ash: Oh noes, that Tepig is hurt!

Tepig: (No kidding, Sherlock...)

Ash: I know! I'll help it and then it'll decide to join me!

Tepig: (I don't need your help and I don't wanna join you! You look like a rapist!)

Ash: Here you go, Tepig, have an Oran Berry!

Tepig: (I just said- wait what? Food! Give it to me or perish!)

Ash: Wow... you must really like berries!

Tepig: (Give me the berry now, or I will rape your family and sell them on ebay!)

Ash: Here you go-

(Tepig snatches the berry and 'om nom nom's it...)

Tepig: (I feel much better... Oran Berry's are tasty and they magically heal wounds!)

Ash: Go Poke Ball!

Tepig: (That was so- wait what?)

(Ash catches Tepig!)

Ash: Gotcha! I caught Tepig!

Pikachu: Pi! Pikachu!

Ash: Aieeee! Stalker!

(Dropkicks Pikachu into uber-duber-scuba-wooper deep space)

Ash: That was... strange?

(No u...)

Ash: But anyway, now that I got my first pokemon, I'm gonna beat the pants off the first gym leader! Yeah!

(What the heck did I just write?)


	2. Insert Rival Here

**Insert Rival Here!**

Narrator: We rejoin our heroes in-

Ash: (Jumps in out of nowhere) Hey Narrator dude, how many licks does it take to get to the centre of a tootsie pop?

Narrator: Ask your mom, bitch!

Ash: Okay!

(Ash runs back to Pallet Town)

Ash: Mom!

Ash's Mom: (Hides her bleeding arms) What is it, honey?

Ash: (Jumps up and down) How many licks does it take to get to the centre of a tootsie pop?

Ash's Mom: (Sighs) 3,962...

Ash: Wow! How'd ya figure that out!

Ash's Mom: It's the same number, as the amount of days in a row, that I've regretted my life.

Ash: Huh? But Mom, isn't 3,962 days around the same amount of days I've been alive?

Ash's Mom: Nope, it's the exact same amount...

Ash: Oh... Okay... Well, whatever it is, I hope it dies a painful death! Later, Mom!

(Ash Leaves)

Ash's Mom: Me too, honey. Me too...

(Insert Alternative rock theme song here)

Ash: Okay Tepig, let's go!

Tepig: (I hate you, first you trick me with an Oran Berry, and then you eat my Tootsie pop!)

Ash: Alright, I'm psyched about this trip too!

Tepig: (Either this guy's an idiot, or he just does not understand the basics of language)

Ash: Whoa, it's a Geodude!

Tepig: (No, it's just a rock...)

?: Hey retard, that's just a rock!

Ash: Hey, someone knows my middle name!

?: …

(? steps forward and shows himself to Ash)

?: The name's Steve, and I'm here to kick your ass!

Ash: Oh, you wanna battle? Then bring it on!

Steve: Alright, go Pidove!

Pidove: (Oh hey, it's that noob with the Master Ball! Let's kick his butt!)

Ash: Alright, Tepig go!

Tepig: (Yeah, yeah...)

(Tepig and Pidove step into the battlefield)

Tepig: (Wanna trade?)

Pidove: (Fuck, no...)

Ash: Go Tepig, use Ember!

Steve: (Yawns) Dodge it...

(Pidove dodges)

Ash: No way, I didn't know they could do that!

Pidove and Tepig: (What a retard...)

Steve: Pidove, use Aerial Ace!

Pidove: (It's ass-whooping time!)

Ash: Dodge it!

Tepig: (Argh, for fuck's sake!)

(Tepig gets hit hard)

Ash: Tepig!

Tepig: (Damn it...)

Steve: Rule no.1 of Pokemon, retard, Aerial Ace never misses, abuse that motherfucker!

Ash: (Gasps) You swore!

Steve: I don't give a rat's ass if I did! Pidove use Drill Peck!

Pidove: (Sorry, dude, it was nice knowing you...)

Ash: No... I will not give in! Tepig use Ember!

Tepig: (I don't give a flying fuck what you say, I'm unloading some Brooklyn Rage!)

Pidove: (OH SH-)

(Pidove faints)

Pidove: (Urggh... I need some tacos...)

Steve: No friggin way...

Ash: Yeah, we did it!

Tepig: (...We?)

Ash: Better luck next time, dude!

Steve: You'll get yours, retard!

(Steve leaves)

Ash: (Sighs) That was awesome!

Tepig: Dude, you'd have gotten your ass handed to you if it weren't for me!

Ash: Eh? Tepig, you can talk?

Tepig: Oh wow... I can! Cool!

Ash: Yeah!

Tepig: Shut the fuck up, ass-monkey, I hate your ass!

Ash: What?

Tepig: You heard me...

Ash: No seriously, I wasn't paying attention... I was doing that random thing my mind does with my memories...

Tepig: (Sighs) I know I'm gonna regret this, but what do you do with your memories?

Ash: I add unfitting music to it, for example, I added Before I Forget by Slipknot to my 6th Birthday Party!

Tepig: Slipknot? That's pretty hardcore...

Ash: Nah I prefer Selena Gomez, my Mom really likes that Slipknot stuff though!

Tepig: (Ah, well that explains everything...)

Ash: What was that?

Tepig: Nothing! You asshole...


	3. Viridian City, Or Was It Cherrygrove

**Viridian City, Or Was It Cherrygrove?**

Narrator: We rejoin our heroes in-

Ash: I'm gonna be a pokemon master, believe it!

Narrator: WHY THE FUCK DO YOU GUYS REHIRE ME WHEN YOU KNOW THAT RETARD IS JUST GONNA INTERRUPT ME!

(Shit happens...)

Ash: Take a chill pill dude, I suggest Paracetamol...

Narrator: … And how do you know about Paracetamol?

Ash: My mom takes it a lot, she's trying to go to a better place!

Narrator: Oh, now I get it...

(Insert Alternative Rock theme song here)

Ash: Alright let's get our first chaos emerald!

Tepig: You mean gym badge, right?

Ash: Yeah! That too!

Tepig: Why is it that Tepigs always get stuck with retarded trainers?

?: Trust me, all fire-type starter pokemon go through the same process...

Ash: Huh wha?

(Brock appears)

Brock: Hey guys, how are you?

Ash: Hey look it's an asian black guy!

Brock: I'm mixed race, you racist retard!

Ash: You sound like a black guy, too!

Brock: They said the same thing about Piccolo too, but unfortunately that motherfucker is green, like the weed I smoke in your mom's house...

Ash: Wait, I'll be right back!

(Ash races back to his house)

Ash: Hey mom!

Narrator: Do you mind? I'm trying to rape your mom here!

Ash: Take a chill pill dude, I suggest Ritalin...

Narrator: How do you-

Ash's Mom: Ash! Stay the fuck away from my drug closet, I need that shit!

Ash: By the way mom, does Brock smoke weed in our house?

Ash's Mom: Yes he does, I owe him money too... You know, because he's my pimp and all that... Didn't you notice how I had to sell my body in order to pay for your education, only for you to waste it away on some stupid dream of being a pokemon master!

Ash: Too... many... words... must... leave... house... got-to-go-bye!

(Ash leaves)

Ash's Mom: Okay Narrator, when you're done just leave some change on the dresser or something, I'm not too bothered about how much you leave...

(Back with Ash)

Ash: Turns out it's true, Brock!

Brock: I told you, I- wait, how do you know my name?

Ash: I read it in the margin before you speak!

Brock: Oh, okay... Say why don't I join you, on your journey?

Ash: So that you can keep me as collateral for my mom's debt to you?

Tepig: (For a retard, he's pretty sharp when he wants to be...)

Brock: Um... yeah?

Ash: Sounds awesome, go for it!

Tepig: (The sad truth is that he's still a retard...)

Ash: So Brock, do you have a dream?

Brock: A dream?

Ash: Yeah... my dream is to become a pokemon master! Tepig's dream is to own a chocolate factory!

Tepig: (That's not my dream you retarded, asshole baby!)

Ash: So what's your dream, Brock?

Brock: My dream... is for you to shut the fuck up and die painfully!

Ash: That's not very nice...

Brock: Neither is your mom, but she brings in a good amount of money somehow...

Ash: Well, she did say that she majored in Economics!

Brock: Oh really, do you know what Economics is?

Ash: Something about an average kid that no one understands, who happens to have fairy godparents?

Brock: I think your mom should've just swallowed you...

Ash: But... doesn't she need a really big mouth for that?

Brock: She does, but that's not what I meant...

Tepig: We're wasting time here, let's get the fuck outta here!

Brock: I agree with- wait wha?

Tepig: Yes, I can talk, sue me...

Brock: (Holds out hand) The name's Brock, nice to meet you...

Tepig: Yeah don't think so, I know where your hands have been, no thank you...

Ash: Where have your hands-

Brock: Let's go to Cherrygrove City already!

Tepig: Eh? But I thought it was Viridian City...

Brock: You're a Tepig, your thoughts no longer matter!

Tepig: I would say "Touche" but I have a feeling Iruka might kick my ass if I do...

Ash: Who?

Brock: Shut the fuck up and get in the damn city before I rape your ass!

Tepig: (I don't trust this guy... He's creepy...)


	4. Team Blood

**Team Blood**

Narrator: We rejoin our heroes in-

Ash: Hey Narrator!

Narrator: What now...

Ash: If the chicken crossed the road to get to the other side, then what happened to the egg?

Narrator: … You really need to get tested for something...

(Insert Alternative Rock theme song here)

Tepig: Hey I'm kinda getting tired, can we go to a Pokemon Centre?

Ash: Sure, let's go!

(Ash and Friends enter the Pokemon Centre)

Tepig: We're not friends!

(I don't give a fuck!)

Ash: Hey Nurse Joy! I need you to-

Nurse Joy: Oh Brock! Please inject me with your Nigga Dick, I need it!

Brock: (Pimp-slaps Nurse Joy) Shut the fuck up Elsie, where my money?

Nurse Joy: (Sobbing) But my name's Joy...

Brock: Oh, sorry...

Tepig: (Isn't Elsie the name of my old trainer?)

Ash: Hey, I need some help for my Tepig over here and-

Nurse Joy: Shut the fuck up, kid, I'm tryna get some Nigga Dick here!

Ash: What's Ni-

Tepig: Don't say it Ash, Nurse Joy has immunity because she's a fine ass babe...

Ash: What happens if I say-

Tepig: Don't say it! You'll get your ass kicked!

Ash: Ha! No one can beat me, I'm a pokemon master in training!

Tepig: (Well, I warned you... I'll be over here, finding some popcorn...)

Ash: Alright, which Nigga wants to fight me first!

(All heads turn around to Ash)

Ash: Hey... you're all darker than Brock, how do I get that dark?

Tepig: (Oh wow, I actually feel sorry for the retard...)

(Guys in red clothing appear)

Guy 1: We're Team Blood, and we heard you use the word 'Nigga'...

Guy 2: You ain't dark enough to use that word...

Guy 3: So we gon' kick yo ass...

Ash: In a pokemon battle?

Tepig: (Team Blood, not Team Rocket you idiot!)

Guy 4: No... we gon' fuck yo shit up!

Guy 5: Word!

Tepig: (Nice knowing you, Ash...)

(Ash gets into a Karate stance)

Ash: Bring it on!

(Thirty seconds of fighting later...)

Tepig: (HOLY SH-)

Brock: What in the-

Nurse Joy: That just made me horny!

All: …

Tepig: He's only ten, you know...

Nurse Joy: I'm not picky...

(Brock taps on Ash's shoulder)

Brock: Ash, you just beat up five members of Team Blood, by yourself!

Ash: Yeah well, my mom said I might need to use this one day, so I did!

All: Ah, that explains it...

Brock: (Gulps) Hey listen, kid, I was just joking about the stuff I said about your mom...

Ash: Huh? That's strange, she said it was all true-

Brock: She's lying!

Tepig: Forget about that, Ash! Do you know who those guys were?

Ash: Um... players from the Boston Red Sox?

Tepig: What? No!

Ash: But they were wearing red socks, and they sound like they're from Boston!

Tepig: That's not what I meant, and you're mixing up Brooklyn and Boston again...

Ash: Oh... so they're the Brooklyn Red Sox?

Tepig: No! They're Team Blood, one of the two most vicious gangs in the Pokemon World!

Brock: The other one is Team Crip...

Ash: So... they're the Bloods and the Crips?

Tepig and Brock: Exactly!

Ash: Oh... Then we'll just beat 'em up each time!

Brock: Good luck with that, kid, I'm outta here!

(Brock flees)

Ash: See you later, Brock!

Tepig: Yeah, you'll be seeing him, much later...

Ash: By the way, where are we?

Tepig: Viridian City, right?

Ash: Well we were just in Pallet Town, so it must be...

Bystander 1: Hell naw, nigga, this is Brooklyn City!

Ash: Eh? Brooklyn City?

Bystander 2: Yeah! You took a wrong turn on Route 1, you go straight, don't take a right!

Tepig and Ash: Oh... well, thanks!

Bystander 1 and 2: No problem, man!

Ash: Alright, let's go, Tepig!

Tepig: Yeah, yeah... whatever...


	5. Vs Latias Part 1

**Vs Latias (Part 1)**

Narrator: We rejoin our heroes in...

Ash: Problem?

Narrator: Aren't you going to interrupt me and ask me something?

Ash: No, I can wait...

Narrator: Really?

Ash: Well, now that you ask... This is set in the Kanto region, right?

Narrator: (Sighs) Yes, it is...

Ash: Well then, why is my starter pokemon a Tepig, and where's my Pikachu?

Narrator: Your Pikachu's in an alternate dimension where they battle with monsters in cards... but your question about Tepig is a good one...

(Oh, that's easy... The author caught a Missingno, that's why!)

Ash: Oh... we're breaking the fourth wall, aren't we-

Narrator: On with the show!

(Insert Punk Rock theme song here)

Ash: Hey Tepig, I've been thinking...

Tepig: I didn't think it was possible for you to think, but go on...

Ash: How about a new friend?

Tepig: Ash... you ain't exactly the most liked person, how are you gonna manage that?

Ash: (Brings out a Poke Ball) With this!

Tepig: (Sighs) I don't like where this is going...

Ash: I'm just gonna randomly throw this ball, and hopefully I'll catch something...

Tepig: Good luck with that...

(Ash throws the poke ball in an absolutely random direction...)

Ash: Alright, let's see what I caught!

Tepig: Ten bucks says it's a Caterpie...

(Ash locates the poke ball...)

Ash: Alright, come out, whoever you are!

(Ash throws out a... Latias?)

Tepig: NO FUCKING WAY!

Latias: My darling Ash, we've been reunited at last!

Ash: Awww, man... I wanted a Caterpie...

Tepig: You're fucking kidding me, right?

Ash: I kid you not, good sir, I kid you not...

Tepig: Non-specific references aside, why would you want a Caterpie?

Ash: It's epic, it's almost as epic as Magikarp!

Tepig: Perhaps I'm not explaining this right...

(Tepig launches an ember at Ash)

Ash: Ow, what was that for!

Tepig: The author didn't want to bunch my lines together, so he did that as a line break...

Ash: Oh...

Tepig: As I was saying, why have Caterpie when you have a friggin' Latias!

Ash: Pfft, that's easy... Latias is a Psychic type, Caterpie's a bug type!

(The universe facepalms)

Latias: Ash, don't you love me?

Ash: I barely know you!

Latias: But, we kissed?

Ash: I'd remember kissing a pokemon, thank you very much...

Tepig: Really? You forgot what you had for cereal this morning-

Ash: I've only kissed one girl and that was Bianca!

Tepig: No you've kissed more than one girl...

(Shut up Tepig, that's the only one I can remember!)

Tepig: I was talking to Ash?

(I know... don't try and do Fourth Wall control with me, you're the one who broke it!)

Tepig: I ain't scared of you...

(You will be when I make you a Gulpin!)

Tepig: I'll behave!

Ash: (Clears throat loudly) As I was saying... You have no resemblance to Bianca, and therefore your claim to my lips is false!

(The universe stops)

Tepig: D-did you j-just use big words?

Ash: (beams proudly) I went to law school for three days!

Tepig: Why did you leave?

Ash: I wanted to become an artist who specialized in sculptures, and had a little sister who had her own web show!

Tepig: Okay, so why aren't you one?

Ash: I prefer being a pokemon trainer, it's much less work!

Tepig: Did you even try to become an artist?

Ash: Yeah! I drew a story about marbles that come out as monsters and land on giant cards!

Tepig: (Sighs) I have a feeling he's going to continue on with this crap...

Ash: (Ignores Tepig) It was gonna be like a mixture of Beyblade and Yu-gi-oh!

Tepig: So you decide to foreshadow Bakugan and blatantly reference Yu-gi-oh and Beyblade, even though they're more popular?

Ash: Um... yeah?

Tepig: You're such an idiot...

Latias: YOU OVERGROWN PIECE OF PORK CHOP, BULLSHIT EATING BASTARD, HOW FUCKING DARE YOU INSULT MY BOYFRIEND!

Tepig and Ash: Boyfriend?

Latias: KAMEHAMEHA!

(Blasts Tepig out of existence)

Ash: HOLY CHEESE ON A PEPPERONI PIZZA!

Latias: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt him!

Ash: B-but h-he...

Latias: I'll bring him back, I promise!

(Will Latias be able to bring back Tepig? Find out in part two of this weird chapter!)


	6. Vs Latias Part 2

**Vs Latias (Part 2)**

Narrator: We rejoin our heroes in-

Ash: Hold it!

Narrator: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?

Ash: I just felt the audience needed a recap on what happened... that's all...

Narrator: Oh okay... Well, I was just about to do that...

Ash: But now that you ask, why is this chapter in two parts?

Narrator: Because the author's a lazy asshole!

(You wanna be fired?)

Narrator: No, please! I have a wife and children!

(… Really?)

Narrator: Okay, fine... I have a really bad weed-smoking habit and a severe case of the munchies...

(Understood... just don't talk trash about me or break the fourth wall...)

All: ...Really?

(Okay fine... just limit the damage to the fourth wall, I have to pay for that shit...)

(Insert Alternative Rock theme song here)

(Latios appears with a cigar in one paw and a packet of cheetos in another...)

Latios: To summarise the preceding events in the previous chapter...

(Latios takes a puff from the cigar...)

Latios: Shit happens...

(On with the show!)

(Latias brings a card out of nowhere)

Latias: I use Monster Reborn!

(It didn't work...)

Latias: Oh, I guess he has to be a monster to do it...

Ash: BRING HIM THE FUCK BACK BEFORE I FART IN YOUR GRANDMA'S MOUTH!

(The universe stopped again)

Latias: Y-you s-swore!

Ash: So did your mom when I raped her last night! Now bring him back you overweight, McDonalds worshipping bitch!

(Stop him, he's way too out of character!)

Latias: Alright, alright... but before I do this I have to tell you something...

Ash: Alright...

Latias: I transformed into Bianca and kissed you, and Harry kills Voldemort at the end...

Ash: Damn it, I wanted to find out for myself!

(Latias disappears and reappears with Tepig)

Ash: Whoa, how did you do that?

Latias: Legendary pokemon were trained by martial artists with the power to destroy worlds by using blonde hair dye...

Ash: Wait what?

Latias: Exactly...

Tepig: Awww man, why did you bring me back? I was enjoying a nice taco...

Latias: In the universe I sent you too, tacos are their equivalent to bat guano...

Tepig: Well, pigs eat their own shit anyway... So it doesn't make that much difference to me...

Ash: (Clears throat) Latias... in light of your recent coolness, I would like for you to stay on my team!

Latias: At last, we can be together-

Ash: But you can't use the Kamehameha, or your 'instant movement' powers!

Tepig: You mean, Teleport?

Ash: Yeah!

Latias: But isn't that an in-game move?

Ash: You don't learn it!

Latias: Fine... It would be all worth it, just to be with you...

Ash: Also, to prevent any jealousy, I need you to assume human form...

(Latias transforms into a girl with pink hair and red outfit)

Latias: How do I look?

Ash: You look great-

Latias: (Fangirl squeal) He said I look great!

Tepig: The forehead's a bit wide, though...

Latias: (Pounds Tepig on the head) Who asked you!

Ash: We should give you a name too...

Tepig: How about 'Sakura', for that dreadful pink hair-

Latias: (Kicks Tepig) Watch it, ass-wipe! You're on my list!

Ash: I like it, it suits you-

Latias: (Glomps Ash) Thanks Ash, Sakura is the best name for me ever!

Tepig: Then you should thank me for it-

Sakura: (Chokes Tepig) Shut up, Naruto!

Ash: Eh? Who's Naruto...

Sakura: Sorry, that just came out wrong...

Tepig: Hey, 'Author', couldn't you even keep it a bleak reference to Naruto, you talentless douchebag!

(Sakura torches Tepig with a flamethrower-)

Tepig: Ha! I'm a fire type pokemon, you retard!

(Filled with acid...)

Tepig: OH SH-

(I win... fatality... flawless victory...)

Tepig: I'm still alive, bitch!

(GET OVER HERE!)

Tepig: ARGH!

(Tepig gets squashed into a ball... now get on with the story, or you're next!)

Sakura: But Tepig has the next-

(DO IT NOW OR PERISH!)

Ash: What does per-

Sakura: Kiss me you fool!

Ash: Wait wha-

(Sakura kisses Ash, but that's not in the script!)

Sakura: I'm improvising!

(That's it, I'm wrapping this shit up...)


	7. Viridian City

**A/N: Hey Guys! Sorry about the delay... so as a result, I'm gonna give you two chapters! Yayage!**

**Anywho, enjoy...  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong><span>Viridian City<span>**

Narrator: We rejoin our heroes in-

Ash: Hey, Narrator-san!

Narrator: You go weaboo on me, and I swear that I'll rip off your non-existent testicles and give them to charity!

Ash: How can I go weaboo when I'm Japanese? Wouldn't that just make patriotic?

Narrator: Touché, now hurry up and ask your question!

Ash: Oh okay! How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Narrator: What the fuck is a woodchuck?

Ash: Um... I don't know...

(Insert Alternative Rock theme song here)

Ash: Let's go to Viridian City guys!

Sakura: Wouldn't you like to recap the last chapter?

(DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE!)

Sakura: (Flinches) Okay, I won't!

(Good, carry on...)

Ash: Hey, where's Perry?

Sakura: If you mean Tepig, sweetie, he's in an alternate dimension and we got this guy instead!

(Pikachu hops onto Ash's shoulder)

Pikachu: Pi! Pika-

Ash: Aieee! Stalker!

(Drop kicks-)

Tepig: We've done that joke already!

(Well fuck you too Tepig...)

Ash: (Glomps Tepig) Tepig!

Tepig: Get the hell off of me, I don't want your rabies!

Sakura: (Drools) But I want his babies...

(You seriously wanna make more of him?)

Sakura: Problem?

(There are many-)

Tepig: Stop self-inserting you narcissistic bastard!

(I will, when you stop breaking the fourth wall...)

Tepig: Touché, now lets get in the damn city already...

(Ash and friends enter the city)

Ash: Whoa, it's huge!

Tepig: It's the first city, of course it would be bigger than Pallet Town!

Sakura: Alright, let's go back to the Pokemon Mart and stock up on items!

(That was way too sensible of an idea for this story, I'm watching you 'Sakura')

Cashier: How can I help you?

Sakura: For starters, stop looking down my top!

Tepig: (Whispers to Sakura) We don't have any money...

Sakura: On second thought, look a little more...

Cashier: But I wasn't-

Sakura: Look, damn it...

Ash: Guys this is boring, do you wanna check out my old school?

(And so they did...)

Tepig: Wait, this is a Trainer School? I thought you were talking about your law school!

Ash: Um... no? My law school's in Seattle, I was in the same class as Spencer Shay and left after three days as well!

Tepig: Y'know, one day you're gonna get sued and I'll be laughing my ass off when-

(Check the disclaimer douche-bag...)

Ash: Well let's go in, I think I should give a couple pointers to the rookies there...

(They arrive to see Samus Aran with a class full of kids...)

Samus: Alright class, who can name all the different types in which Pokemon are classified?

Ash: Oh, I know! I know!

Samus: Okay... Ash?

Ash: It's Wind, Rain, Shadow, Wood, Sword, Thunder, Power and Sleep!

Samus: And, surprisingly, none of those were correct... But it's great to see my star pupil again!

Tepig: (Nearly chokes) What?

Samus: (Whispers to Tepig) To be fair, he was the only one that could form a sentence...

Tepig: Oh, okay...

Samus: But I have more competent students now that- That wasn't the right answer, that was from the opening of Cardcaptors!

(The class stops copying down Ash's answer...)

Samus: The correct answer is Fire, Water, Grass, Electric, Ground, Rock, Fighting, Flying, Ice, Dragon, Psychic, Ghost, Dark, Bug and Normal!

Tepig: You forgot Steel-

Samus: THEY DO NOT EXIST!

Tepig: Yes they do, they're-

Samus: I HATE STEEL TYPES, SHUT UP, METROID POWERS ACTIVATE!

(You're in Pokemon now...)

Samus: So Latias can do the Kamehameha, and I can't activate my-

(That's it! I've had it with you lot breaking the fourth wall! This shit is being closed down now!)

Ash: But we didn't even get to do the giant sudoku-

(No, shut up, it ends now!)


	8. Coffee Guy

**Coffee Guy**

Narrator: We rejoin our heroes in-

(Hey Narrator, I have a question...)

Narrator: WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING ME YOU LITTLE ASS-MONKEY!

(Well that's not very nice...)

Narrator: Sorry, force of habit, what's up?

(Do you know why everybody keeps breaking the fourth wall? I'm trying to stop them but they-)

Narrator: Two things... Number one, these guys are all retards and there is no possible way that they're gonna do jack shit for you...

(Oh...)

Narrator: Number two, you're the author! You're the one writing this worthless piece of crap you call a story, so do something about-

(I know this stuff already, I just wanted to interrupt you to keep it this as a running gag!)

Narrator: SON OF A-

(Insert Alternative Rock theme song-)

Narrator: (Grabs an AK-47 and a can of Dr Pepper) FUCK NO! I AIN'T DONE WITH YOU BITCH!

(Yes you are...)

Narrator: Well okay then...

(On with the story!)

Ash: Alright guys, let's check out the gym!

Tepig: Um... why?

Sakura: Don't question Ash-sama, just do it!

Tepig: But this ain't even the first-

(Sakura stuffs an action figure that resembles Kimura from Azumanga Daioh into Tepig's mouth)

Sakura: Cram it, half-pint!

Tepig: (Muffled) That was the most cliché sentence I've ever heard... It was also the most blatant usage of shameless advertising I've seen as well...

Sakura: What was that?

Tepig: (Spits out the Kimura doll) Nothing...

(Ash and friends visit the gym, only to find-)

Ash: What the-? The doors are closed!

(Ash bangs on the doors)

Ash: Hey you jerk, I want my match!

?: Shut the fuck up, whipper-snapper, I'm trying to glitch a game here...

(Ash turns around to find an old man with an empty cup...)

Ash: Aha! So you're the gym leader!

(Tepig facepalms)

Tepig: Really Ash, really?

Sakura: No Ash, he's not the gym leader-

Old Man: But I can still kick yer ass, punk!

Ash: Oh yeah! Bring it on, old-timer!

Old Man: Say hello to my undefeated beast! Missingno!

(Old Man brings out a rainbow coloured poke ball, that metamorphosed into a glitchy looking pixelated barcode)

Ash: Go Epig!

(Awkward silence...)

Ash: (Whispers to Tepig) Psst, that's you Tepig...

Tepig: Seriously? That's my nickname... Epic and Tepig combined?

Ash: Um... yeah?

Epig: You're just so lucky I happen to like Oran Berries...

(Epig steps forward)

Epig: (Bring it on, Missingno, I'm gonna whoop your freaky ass!)

Missingno: (I tpecca ruoy engellahc!)

Sakura: Stop Ash, don't fight this guy! Missingno is a rare creature that is said to erase a trainer's memory if encountered!

Epig: So basically, it fucks up your gamesave data...

Sakura: Yeah, pretty much...

Ash: Then we'll make this quick!

Epig: For once, I agree with you Ash...

(Will Ash and friends be able to conquer this mysterious 'pokemon', or will they be doomed to buy a new game, forever! Find out next time on Brain Damage!)

Sakura: But why is this chapter called "Coffee Guy"?

(You were doing so well, you could've went the rest of the chapter without breaking the fourth wall, but no-)

Sakura: Just answer the question!

(Why don't you play Pokemon Red and find out?)

Sakura: Fine!

(See ya later...)


	9. Vs Missingno

**theguythatisnotyou: I didn't do it on purpose, it's just something that happens sometimes... It's very annoying and Fanfiction needs to get this sorted...**

**Echo Uchiha: Thanks, bro... :P**

**ENJOY AND RECOMMEND BITCHES!**

* * *

><p><strong><strong>Vs Missingno<strong>**

Narrator: We rejoin our friends in-

Ash: Stop! I can't do this anymore... I don't want to live!

Narrator: Like mother, like son...

Ash: No... My mom lives for me, I'm talking about the death of Amy Winehouse, I can't live without her, I just can't! This is all Pete Docherty's fault!

Narrator: Honestly, why do I even put up with this shit?

(Insert Alternative Rock theme song here)

Latios: Now, let's recap-

Latias: Yay, big brother!

Latios: I'm not the narrator so don't pull that crap, okay?

Latias: Fine...

Latios: So the retard and his motley crew, make their way to some shithole city and fight this old man with a freaky pokemon...

Latias: To sum it up overall, shit happens...

Latios: Don't swear, you could catch rabies...

Latias: (Gasps) What?

(On with the show...)

Ash: Okay Epig, use Ember!

Epig: Why the hell do you want me to use Ember, when I-

Ash: Just do it!

Epig: (Sighs) Fine...

(Epig uses-)

Epig: Don't call me it as well!

(Sorry, he's your trainer and I have to obey the rules of the margin if I wish to stay grammatically correct...)

Epig: You're writing in script format!

(Everyone's a critic...)

Epig: Your other story's not bad though... I like the blood and gore and-

(Ah! Don't speak of it, you are not allowed!)

Epig: But why, I thought that-

(Epig uses Ember on Missingno, it's super effective!)

Epig: HELL YEAH!

Old Man: Hm... not bad...

Missingno: (Tub ton doog hguone!)

Ash: Hey, Epig, what is that thing saying?

Epig: I don't have a clue...

Old Man: Missingno use TM13!

Missingno: (Eci Meab!)

Ash: It still sounds weird...

Epig: Oh! I get it, it's speaking back-

(Epig gets hit by TM13, it's super effective!)

Epig: Ice Beam is an ice type move!

(Yes, but Missingno is in reverse, therefore super effective hits on Missingno would normally be not very effective...)

Epig: So... it's a Water type or something?

(No... Everybody knows that Missingno is a Rhydon...)

Old Man: Curses! I've been foiled!

(Missingno transforms into Rhydon)

Rhydon: (Yay! I'm finally back to normal!)

Ash: And now Epig can kick your butt! Epig, use Brooklyn Rage!

Epig: You didn't need to tell me twice! RAWR!

(Epig uses Brooklyn Rage!)

Old Man: Quick, Missingno! Use Nyeh to counter it!

Rhydon: Who? What?

Old Man: I hate Rhydons...

(Rhydon gets knocked the fuck out and Epig wins!)

Ash: Yes, we beat Missingno!

Pikachu: Pi! Pika-

Ash: I got rid of you!

(Ash divides Pikachu by zero...)

Pikachu: Pi- (explodes) ka... chu...

Epig: Wow, that was mean...

Old Man: Did you really need to divide him by zero?

Sakura: Can you really catch rabies if you swear?

Epig: Um... no?

Sakura: Oh... then fuck you Latios!

Ash: Hey don't swear, you could catch rabies if you do!

Sakura: (Gasps) Really?

Epig: (Sighs) Can we just get the fuck out of here?

Ash: Alright! Onwards to the next city!

Old Man: But before you go... You want my Rhydon?

Ash: Um... why?

Old Man: I don't like Rhydons...

Ash: Okay, we'll take-

Epig: But it was once a Missingno!

Old Man: It's data is stable now, I'm sure you could take it without any harm being done to you...

Epig: Well, okay...

Ash: Thanks Coffee Guy!

Old Man: Hm? Oh yeah! My coffee, where the hell is it?

(Ash takes Rhydon and places it in a Poke Ball...)

Epig: Hey, doesn't he need to catch it or something?

(DO NOT QUESTION THE BRACKETS!)

Ash: Alright guys, let's go!


	10. Wood Preservation Society

**A/N: Hey Guys, not meaning to be a proprietor of cheap advertisement, but if you guys go on Pokemon Online, why don't you check out the Flutter Castle Server, that's mainly where I operate, y'know... Whenever it's open, I'm also on Gary Oak's Battle Frontier and The Battle Tower, all of them are really good servers, and if you wanna fight with your pal then come get some!  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Wood Preservation Society<strong>

Narrator: We rejoin our heroes as they leave behind Viridian City and prepare to enter the mysterious Viridian Forest...

Ash: Good job, Narrator-san!

Narrator: Thank you...

Latios: So... What do I do?

Narrator: Um... you wanna make out?

Latios: Are you a girl?

Narrator: (Flirty eyes) I can be whatever you want me to be...

Latios: No thank you...

Narrator: Huh? Why not?

Latios: Shit happens...

(Insert Heavy Metal theme song here)

Ash: Whoa! This is Viridian Forest!

Epig: No shit, Sherlock...

Sakura: Although the use of alliteration is appreciated...

(Sakura pounds Epig into the ground... literally...)

Sakura: YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO DISS MY BOYFRIEND!

Ash: Diss who?

Sakura: I meant Ash! You're not allowed to diss Ash!

(Suddenly, a loud screech was heard...)

Ash: Eh? I didn't know there were Mankeys in here!

Sakura: There aren't any... there are only bug-type Pokemon in here...

Epig: Then that means-

(A group of Bug Catchers appear...)

Ash: Whoa, who are you guys?

(One of the Bug Catchers bring out a harmonica and starts playing, whilst some start whistling a tune...)

Bug Catchers: We are the Wood Preservation Society-

Epig: FUCK NO, I AM NOT LISTENING TO THAT CRAP! THAT SHIT MADE ME MISS THE SUPERBOWL!

Sakura: How? Wasn't that from an advert-

Epig: I DON'T GIVE A FLYING BAT SHIT ABOUT WHERE IT CAME FROM, NOW TELL THEM TO SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I FART IN YOUR MOUTH!

Sakura: Excuse me?

Epig: YOU FUCKING HEARD ME! AND FURTHERMORE-

(Epig evolves in Pignite)

Pignite: Whoa... I evolved! And my balls totally dropped too!

(Pignite turns to Sakura)

Pignite: Well... I guess I should test this out... Fire Punch!

(Pignite's Fire Punch scores a critical hit on Sakura)

Sakura: Why you-

Ash: Guys, stop! We have to talk with these guys...

Pignite: Um... why?

Ash: Because... I get lonely...

Bug Catchers: Awww... well mate, we wanted to kill you fellas and eat yer body meat fer stepping on our forbidden property... But such a touching story makes us want to let yer off the hook...

Ash: Aren't you guys Bug Catchers?

Bug Catchers: We multi-task... a lot...

Pignite: Okay, nice meeting you... but we really need to-

Ash: One more question!

Pignite: DO YOU REALLY WANTED YOUR FUCKING INTESTINES TO BE SLURPED UP LIKE SPAGHETTI! MOVE YOUR BITCH ASS!

Ash: Your new voice sounds awesome! But I need to ask... Why do you call yourselves the Wood Preservation Society?

Bug Catchers: When did we ever do that?

Pignite: NOW YOU SEE WHY I HATE THAT SHIT! FUCK YOU GUYS, I HOPE YOU GET RAPED BY GRIZZLY BEARS AND YOUR FAMILIES-

Bug Catchers: Okay, you and the pink-haired one can leave, but we're having Barbecue Pork in return for your safety...

Sakura: Sounds good to me! Let's go Ash!

Ash: No...

(Everyone gasps dramatically!)

Sakura: Whilst I am severely turned on by your courage, we need to leave! Now!

Ash: No... I got some ass to kick...

Pignite: Wow, that was kinda badass...

Ash: Go, Town Map!

Pignite: Well, it was kinda badass...

Town Map: Yay! I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the ma-

Bug Catchers: Argh! Make it stop!

Ash: No, not until you promise to let Pignite go!

Bug Catchers: And if we refuse?

Ash: I'll make my Backpack sing too... In Korean!

Bug Catchers: Alright, alright! You win! Pignite is free ta go!

Pignite: I would've kicked your asses if you didn't...

Sakura: Let's get out of here!

Pignite: Couldn't agree more! Wow, I'm agreeing with you... that's screwed up...

Ash: Wahoo! Let's go, this is fun!

(Ash and Friends leave the forest...)

Ash: Alright! So where are we heading!

Sakura: Pewter City, as it says on the map...

Town Map: Say it with me, Old Man... Forest... Pewter City! Old Man-

Sakura: I don't wanna say it with you!

Ash: Yeah, Map, even I find that annoying...

Town Map: Okay, fine...

Ash: So, is there a gym leader in this town?

Sakura: (Looks at her guidebook) Um... yeah! There is one, and he's said to be really tough!

Ash: Ooh, what's his name!

Sakura: Brock-

Pignite: I knew it was that guy!

Sakura: Lesnar!

Pignite: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!11!

Sakura: Everybody knows that Brock Lesnar is the Pewter City gym leader... who else did you think it was?

Pignite: I thought it was-

(Brock appears out of nowhere)

Brock: Hey guys!

Pignite: (Points at Brock) That guy!

Sakura: Pfft, don't be stupid...

Brock: Yeah, just because my name is Brock, it doesn't mean I'm the gym leader around these parts...

Ash: Yeah Pignite, you just got trolled!

Pignite: Do you even know what trolling is?

Ash: Something to do with Finn the Human, Jake the Dog, and a walking fish who's friends with a blue cat?

Pignite: I'd love to know what you think about when you come up with this crap!

Ash: Classified Information...

(Until next time, on this fucked up story...)


	11. Pewter City

**A/N: Sigh... I'm gonna give this one more try...**

** PLEASE COMMENT GUYS!  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Pewter City<strong>

Narrator: We rejoin our heroes in-

Lesnar: F5!

Narrator: WHAT THE FU-

(Lesnar breaks Narrator's back...)

Lesnar: Yeah! Roid Rage! WHOO!

Ash: What the hell man? I was supposed to interrupt him, non-violently I might add!

Lesnar: UFC! WWE! ABC! WHOO!

Ash: And I thought I was weird...

(Insert Alternative Rock theme song here)

Latios: Okay, let's recap on what the hell just happened-

Lesnar: F5!

Latios: (Blocks Lesnar's attempt) You touch me and I'll get Hogan to stalk your ass...

Lesnar: No! I'm a professional athlete in the UFC, I don't wanna go to TNA!

Latios: Good, then sit down and shut up or I'll make a call to Paul Heyman... and he'll make you job to Cena for the rest of your days...

(Lesnar crawls into the fetal position and sucks his thumb)

Latios: Meh, close enough... as I was saying, shit happens...

(On with the show!)

Brock: So guys... I herd u liek mudkipz?

Ash: What?

Brock: I meant... I heard you wanted to go to Pewter City

Pignite: But that sounds nothing like what you said before-

Brock: Shut up, Meg!

Pignite: Who... the fuck... is Meg! You crack-smoking, mother-raping, son-of-a-bitch!

Brock: Whoa... rage much?

Ash: Yeah Pignite... u mad bro?

Pignite: Okay... If you understood what you just said, then I'd be pissed off...

Ash: Never mind that, Pewter City awaits!

(Ash and Friends enter Pewter City)

?: Not so fast, Ash!

Ash: Awww man, does that mean I have to walk slower?

?: … Only Ash Ketchum could be that retarded...

(Steve appears)

Steve: Remember me?

Ash: Um... no?

Steve: I was the guy from Chapter 2...

Ash: Um... I don't remember you, but maybe the narrator-

Pignite: HE'S YOUR FUCKING RIVAL YOU ASS-MONKEY! NOW FIGHT HIM SO I CAN SEE NURSE JOY DROOL OVER BROCK'S NIGGA DICK!

Sakura: Ewww... why?

Pignite: I'm bored, okay?

(Hey Steve! You were supposed to meet him at Viridian City!)

Steve: Not my fault if the retard got lost on Route 1...

Pignite: We have a singing Town Map! What the fuck do you expect from us?

Steve: Fuck it, go Zigzagoon!

Zigzagoon: (I like crack, weed and glue and my fur is gelled... I FUCKING ROCK!)

Pignite: That Zigzagoon is messed up... he looks like a Twilight reject...

Sakura: What about his drug addiction? That sounds kinda serious too...

Pignite: Meh...

Steve: Beat that, retard! I bet you still have that stupid Tepig!

Pignite: I'm over here asshole...

Steve: HOLY SHIT ON A CUSTARD CREAM BURRITO! HOW THE FUCK DID YOU EVOLVE THAT TEPIG SO QUICKLY?

Sakura: Aren't you surprised that it can talk?

Steve: Well you're a Latias and you can talk...

Ash: ZOMG REALLY! YOU'RE A LATIAS, THAT'S UBER COOL!

Pignite: What happened to Caterpie being better than Latias?

Ash: Fuck Caterpie! That nigga ain't shit!

Sakura: Did he just-

Steve: Hurry the fuck up and battle me, you asshole baby!

Ash: Fine... Go Rhydon!

Steve: Rhy... what?

Rhydon: (I'm back bitches!)

Zigzagoon: (Hey Rhydude, you got some Calpol on you?)

Rhydon: (Kick the habit before I kick you...)

Zigzagoon: (No seriously I have a bad cough and-)

Rhydon: (That's it!)

(Rhydon uses Stomp)

Ash: Cool! Rhydon learnt Stomp!

Pignite: (Sighs) It's around 8 foot something, it'd be a pretty shitty Rhydon if it didn't know how to Stomp on something...

Rhydon: (Up yours Pignite!)

Pignite: (Your mom said the same thing to me last night and she's never regretted a single moment of it either!)

Sakura: (Can you guys stop being so immature!)

Ash: (Hey guys! What'd I miss?)

Pignite: How the hell are you speaking Pokelanguage?

Ash: Well it is just repeating your name over and over again, so I thought I'd try it... and it worked!

Steve: Zigzagoon! Kick Rhydon in the balls!

Zigzagoon: (Crackheads rule!)

(Zigzagoon attempts to kick Rhydon in the balls, only to find 'he' has none...)

Rhydon: (Yeah... it comes with being a former Missingno, you have no genitals...)

Steve: Well, we're screwed...

Ash: Rhydon use Horn Drill!

(Rhydon uses Surf and knocks out Zigzagoon...)

Zigzagoon: (I'm either high or I got knocked the fuck out again...)

Ash: Rhydon, why didn't you use Horn Drill?

Pignite: Because he didn't want to and you're an idiot... That's the same reason why I keep using Brooklyn Rage...

Sakura: But I'll listen to your every command!

Ash: Legendary Pokemon are banned, Latias!

Pignite: Tell that to Smogon, bitch!

(I think I should stop here before I get sued...)


	12. Vs Magikarp

**Vs Magikarp**

Ash: Wha? Hey, what gives! Where's the Narrator, and who are you?

Latios: I'm Latios, we haven't met yet but I know that my sister likes you...

Ash: Who's your- never mind that, I have a question that needs answering!

Latios: Yes?

Ash: Didn't Steve have a Pidove? Why didn't he send it out during our match?

Latios: Because the match isn't finished yet, now go finish it...

Ash: Will do!

(Ash leaves, and Latias enters)

Latias: Was that Ash? What's he doing here?

Latios: Meh-

Latias: Oh wait, let me guess... shit happens?

Latios: Don't swear you could catch rabies...

Latias: Bullshit!

(Insert Alternative Rock theme song here)

Ash: Alright Steve, bring out that wimp of a Pidove!

Steve: Pidove? I got rid of that guy... and I've got a Magikarp instead!

(Ash and Friends gasp)

Pignite: Oh no...

Ash: Pfft, I'm not scared... Fire types are strong against Water types, right Pignite?

Pignite: We're screwed... unless Latias wants to kick some butt-

Ash: Legendaries are banned!

Pignite: He's got a fucking Magikarp! We need-

(Pignite sees Sakura frothing at the mouth and rolling on the floor with a massive seizure...)

Latios: (Opens up a packet of Cheetos) I warned you...

Pignite: Whoa, a Latios! What are you doing here?

Latios: Shit happens... Can I take over for my sister? She's currently dying and you need something to beat a Magikarp...

Ash: Legendaries are-

Latios: I'm legal on a street pokemon server...

Ash: Oh okay, welcome aboard Latios!

Pignite: How did you-

Latios: I'm legendary like that...

Ash: Still, Rhydon can kick your Magikarp's butt! It used to be a Missingno!

Steve: We'll see... go Magikarp!

(Epic Orchestral music starts playing as Magikarp emerges from its Poke Ball)

Magikarp: (…)

Pignite: Eh? Why is it not saying anything?

Latios: It's Red...

Pignite: So is Latias and she never stops-

Latios: Not red... 'Red'...

Pignite: Oh we're so screwed...

Ash: Rhydon use Surf!

(Rhydon used Horn Drill and missed epically)

Ash: Dude!

Rhydon: (Shut up! I do things my way!)

Steve: Magikarp use Splash...

(Magikarp used Splash and Rhydon gets epically knocked out... Matrix Style...)

Ash: Whoa...

Pignite: Gah! We're screwed, it knows Splash!

Magikarp: (…)

Latios: It's strong, but Brooklyn Rage might beat it...

Ash: Pignite, use Brooklyn Rage!

(Pignite uses Brooklyn Rage, but it misses epically...)

Pignite: No way! Brooklyn Rage never misses and it's a OHKO move!

Steve: Heh, the stronger the move, the stronger the Splash!

(Magikarp uses Splash and Pignite gets knocked out even more epically!)

Ash: Of course! Latios kick their butts!

Latios: Sure, whatever...

Ash: Use Confusion!

Latios: Here goes... Confusion!

(Magikarp gets hit with Confusion and is now confused)

Steve: What?

Ash: Quick Latios, whilst it's confused, use Luster Purge!

Latios: Game over, I still can't believe that he figured out how to beat a Magikarp by himself...

Steve: Noes!

Magikarp: (…)

(Magikarp gets knocked out, Ash wins!)

Ash: Yeah we won!

Latios: No, you did... good job kid, I'm outta here...

(Latios disappears and Sakura stops frothing...)

Sakura: Huh? What'd I miss?

Ash: I beat a Magikarp with Latios' help!

Sakura: Awesome, it's so nice that my brother could help you!

Ash: Eh? Latios is your brother?

Sakura: Yes why?

Ash: (Blushes) Oh nothing...


	13. Here Comes The Pain

**Here Comes The Pain**

Narrator: Yes, I'm back from the hospital... Now that brat is going to interrupt me with-

Ash: Hey Narrator! I have another question!

Narrator: Go for it...

Ash: Why was the last chapter not that funny?

Narrator: I don't have a fucking clue! Now leave me the fuck alone so I can take my Aspirin!

Ash: Well okay... I guess I'll just ask Latios!

Narrator: Okay I- wait what?

Ash: Latios! Why wasn't the last chapter that funny?

Latios: Shit happens...

Ash: Oh, okay! Bye Latios!

(Ash Leaves)

Narrator: H-how did you do that?

Latios: Sometimes when you answer a question, they stop asking more...

Narrator: Oh...

(Insert Altrenative Rock theme song here... Now with typo!)

Ash: Alright, let's go to Pewter City!

Sakura: Yeah!

Steve: Pfft, Pewter City? I already beat the leader there noob!

Pignite: (Holding his head) Ow, I have such a headache...

Ash: But, why are you here?

Steve: I forgot to give Professor Oak his parcel... but thanks for distracting the Coffee Guy! I owe ya one...

Ash: Really?

Steve: No... Later retard!

(Steve Leaves in a douchey fashion...)

Sakura: Geez, what a crud-monkey...

Pignite: Well gee Sakura, don't hold back... tell us how you really feel!

Sakura: Oh no... I'm never swearing again! I might catch rabies!

Pignite: You mean the frothing you endured? Nah that was Latios again, he just slipped some Mentos into your Coke whilst you were drinking it and you overreacted or something...

Sakura: Damn it Latios!

(Somewhere in the universe, a loud shrug was heard...)

Ash: To Pewter City!

(Ash and Friends enter Pewter City)

Brock: Oh hey guys, I decided to go ahead to help Nurse Joy with something...

Pignite: But we didn't ask-

Brock: So anyway, I have to go to Mt Moon for a bit... There's another thing I have to do...

(Brock runs away)

Ash: Let's go to the Pokemon Center!

(Ash and Friends enter the Pokemon Center)

Nurse Joy: Yeah... Nigga Dick is the best...

Ash: Hey Nurse Joy!

Nurse Joy: Hm? Oh hey... Welcome to the Pokemon Center and some other shit... how may I help you?

Ash: Well... My pokemon need healing!

Nurse Joy: You mean the Pignite, the Missingno and the Latias?

Ash: No just the Pignite and the Rhydon...

Nurse Joy: Sure whatever, we'll just pretend that the girl beside you isn't a legendary pokemon and heal the poor bastards that have you as a trainer...

Sakura: What do you mean by that? Ash is a wonderful trainer!

Nurse Joy: I don't care if you wanna fuck this guy or not, he's a retard and we all know it...

Sakura: (To herself) Am I really that easy to see through?

(The doors of the Centre burst open)

Lesnar: Ah crap, I did it again... I mean- YEAH! WHOO!

Pignite: Who's the Roid Machine?

Sakura: That's Brock Lesnar! The gym leader!

Nurse Joy: Brock... was that necessary?

Lesnar: Sorry sis...

All: What?

Nurse Joy:Yeah, I can't believe it either...

Lesnar: Wow sis, you're very relaxed today... Did you get laid?

Nurse Joy: Yes... but I'm still mad at you...

Ash: Hey c'mon Nurse Joy! What about my pokemon?

Lesnar: No rush, I've closed down the gym for today anyway...

Pignite: Oh good... Now I can get some damn sleep!

Ash: What why?

Lesnar: Well... I decided to call it a day after I crushed this douche called Steve, he was firing attacks from everywhere and it didn't do anything...

Ash: B-but he had a Magikarp!

Lesnar: Heh... that's easy to get around, Bide is a OHKO on that thing...

Ash: Oh... That's pretty smart!

Lesnar: Actually my sis taught me everything I know... She was the former gym leader around these parts!

Ash: But why did she-

Nurse Joy: Because spending my life in a fucking gym didn't appeal to me, okay!

Lesnar: Uh oh, she's mad!

Nurse Joy: Here's your pokemon back, now scram!

(Nurse Joy throws a tray containing Ash's Poke Balls at him)

Ash: No...

(Everyone gasps)

Pignite: (Facepalms) Ah crap, I don't like that 'no'...

Ash: I think you stopped being a leader, because you were too chicken to keep going!

Lesnar: WHAT THE HELL MAN! ARE YOU TRYING TO GET KILLED?

Nurse Joy: (Sighs) Relax bro, I'm not gonna blow my top over being called out by a kid...

Ash: (Chuckles and then smirks) Well, this kid thinks that he can kick your slutty little ass!

(The universe stops... again...)

Pignite: What the actual fu-

Nurse Joy: Your ass is mine, punk!

Ash: Are you sure you want my ass? I thought you wanted to kick it... But I'd gladly give you a piece of it if you want, you dirty little whore!

Lesnar: Damn, that kid's either got big balls or he's really stupid...

Pignite: It's a dangerous mixture of both actually...

Nurse Joy: When my pokemon are done raping yours, I'm gonna take your testicles and choke you with them you little punk!

Ash: (Scoffs) Oh wow 'punk' that's so original, I'm done trash talking with someone who can't even think of a decent insult, shut up and fight me!

Pignite: I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm actually proud of this guy for once!

Sakura: (Sobbing) What happened to my Ash?

Ash: (Whispers to Pignite and Sakura) Relax guys, I'm only acting like a jerk so that she'll fight me!

Pignite: And that pride has instantly vanished...

Sakura: I knew there had to be a logical explanation, I knew it!

Ash: Besides, she's not gonna kill me or anything, right?

Lesnar: Obviously you haven't heard of the saying, 'Hell hath no fury like Nurse Joy scorned...'

Ash: Wait wha?

(Ash looks at Nurse Joy, who looks like she wants to rip his heart out...)

Ash: Oh wow, she's pretty mad, eh?

Pignite: Yeah... you think?

(Will Ash be able to make it out of this situation with his testicles intact? Find out next time on Brain Damage!)


End file.
